~Wilderness Blessings~

“You cannot come to know God through the experiences of others, this must be done by you”

~Joyce Meyer

A couple of years ago, I was in bad shape. Major depression had taken over my days, my nights and even my dreams. Tears came easily and without warning. Endless days wrapped around the ‘whats’, ‘what-ifs’ and ‘hows’ of an inevitable foreclosure and relocation which, in-turn, left me feeling helpless and hopeless.

As a mother, I felt horrible…I mean, one of my responsibilities as a parent is to provide a stable environment, a stable home. Another responsibility? A clean home.

Which brings me to a specific day…one of many that were filled with desperation for one thing or another. Some days it was groceries and others were toilet paper. Days that were, by all accounts, our ‘Wilderness Days’. Let me begin by sharing that even though I may make light of this experience, I’m now on the other side and I know the ending. At the time, I was far from the faith I have now and was  just getting to really know God. Just coming to terms with His will for me, for my family, for our lives. It took some getting used to. Along the way, I fought it, I cried, I begged for anything but.

My ‘out-loud’ prayers, during this time, although gaining in sincerity, were still sort of ‘off the wall’. Random ramblings of a mind that was unsure of even making sense much less, making sense to the Creator of the Universe. The Maker of Heaven and Earth. My God.

This particular day was messy…figuratively and literally.

Figuratively speaking, I started the day with the ‘Why God?’, the ‘How is this happening to us God?’. Tears, more tears and frustrations. Literally speaking, my house was a mess. My ‘to-do’ that day was filled with 2 days worth of dishes, at least 5 loads of laundry, sweeping and vacuuming.

Going through the motions, continually reminding myself about our problems, dreading everything about my day, my house, my mothering have-to’s, my wife responsibilities. Teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown.

As it went, I did not have an emotional breakdown, I had a vacuum breakdown instead.

I snapped…cried and cried like there was seriously something worth sobbing over…this time not necessarily about our uncertain future but about the fact that I had 3000 sq ft of hardwood and carpet to be vacuumed and I couldn’t even get that done easily. Why in the world was my life so hard at that moment?

In sweeping through the house, I had lots of time to really let God know how I was feeling. I was open-eyed praying while sweeping and crying.  In my words to God, I remember saying something so trivial that I made myself  hysterically laugh at the pure craziness of it.

I sobbed something along the lines of ‘God, could You, would You…the Creator of ALL…the entire anything and everything…possibly help me to find a vacuum? Oh yeah, and since You’re God and all, could it be an Oreck please?’ (Side note: I’d always wanted an Oreck)

~Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul~

Job 7:11

I was so upset which caused me to be so immature and mouthy towards God. After my sarcastic tone and words, I cried some more. I apologized and God knew. He knew where I was coming from, He knew my heart, and at that time, it was breaking. Breaking for our everything…the vacuum cleaner incident was just an outlet, a justification of sorts for me to cry and cry over a thing.

~Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?~ Job43:5

Several weeks after my crazy cry out to God…sarcastically asking for an Oreck vacuum cleaner…my husband and I were shopping in a Good Will Store and sure enough, I came upon a used Oreck!!! That moment was an amazing God moment for me!!!!!! I know that sounds a little bit insane…but, after living through what I did the day I cried out to God to just help me find a good, dependable vacuum and here this one was, right before me with a price tag of just 8$!!!! That was way more than coincidence, God put this before me as a validation!!!!!!!! Now, the irony in this…I’ve shopped thrift stores, second-hand stores for years (and years & years) for my kiddos clothes…it’s a hobby that saves us money (the best kind)…So, years into this, and even years after I’ve never, not one single time before that or since then came across an Oreck vacuum cleaner!

God answered my prayer in a most profound, obvious way. What a blessing in more ways than just having a vacuum cleaner that works beautifully!  My lesson learned so early in my intentional faith was the fact that God heard my prayer, and because it was meant to be, I became an owner of an Oreck vacuum!! Trivial sounding? Maybe. But, God works in mysterious ways. I’ve shared that ‘God moment’ over and over and over…it’s a personal testimony that has helped build me to where I am today. And, speaking of my today’s…I still use that very same Oreck :)

~Today also my complaint is bitter, my hand is heavy on the account of my groaning…I would lay my case before Him and fill my mouth with arguments…Would He contend with me in the Greatness of His Power? No, He would pay attention to me~

Job 23:2-6

Although during that same time I prayed for what felt like forever for God to help save our house, our land…all we knew for over a decade of our lives, that prayer was not answered. But, even though I was upset, heartbroken and I remained faithful. I admit to owning a tear-stained Bible through a few years, times were incredibly hard but, I clung to the fact that I had my family, we were healthy, I was married to my soul-mate…things could’ve been much, much worse.

I love how the Book of Job is followed by the Book of Psalms. One end of a spectrum to another…tests of true faith to then a book of praises that recognize God’s Greatness, Love and Mercy that we feel when we’ve lived through our own personal tests. Like Job, I don’t understand why we lost everything but, looking back…I know, beyond a shadow of any doubt, I found so much more!

My family…myself…we’re on the other side of that ‘Wilderness’ time in our lives. As I look back now, I smile at the irony of the Oreck. I smile at God for helping me in that way. Not even the literal Oreck but, the lesson in faith that it taught me…even to this day…this is one of the greatest blessings I’ve ever received.

Blessings come in all forms, all shapes and in all situations. We just have to be open to receive them and most importantly, acknowledge them and where they come from, make it a point to praise God through our own personal ‘Wildernesses’. We are all alike in that, at times, we all wonder, sometimes aimlessly, in our own ‘Wilderness’. The lesson, the blessing, I took away from my vacuum cleaner is not one that anyone could’ve told me…I had to experience it. We all do, in our own ways. I thank God that I was open to it, I thank God I came to see so much more than an Oreck.

My current ‘Wilderness’ is upon me…my college classes start on Monday. I’m an introvert and I’m scared. But, this I know…God will reward me for my effort, my push forward and I will forever know this…all because of a used Oreck.

~For the Lord, Your God, has blessed you in all the work in your hands.

He knows you’re going through this great wilderness.

These 40 years, the Lord, Your God, has been with you.

You have lacked nothing~

Deut 2:7

Thank you, again and always, to all who take the time to read my thoughts, I know they can be long-winded…I just love sharing. I love Melissa Taylor’s OBS for encouraging me to share, our small facebook group (Group 19 Yay) for encouragement as well. We are currently working through Chapter 8 of Tracie Miles, ‘Stressed-Less Living’ and I’m not at all ready to see this book come to a close BUT, we will start another and you can bet, I’m so there!! These studies, these books have encouraged my growth and most importantly, they’ve been a consistent outlet for helping me to realize the little ‘things’ in life aren’t really ‘things’ at all!

God Bless :)

Highlights :)

~So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.~  Gal 6:9

So…while getting geared up to say goodbye to 2012, I’ve been cleaning out my devotional bag, switching out pens and books, starting to get excited about using my beautiful new journal my oldest kids got me, looking forward to fresh, new Bible highlighters that were in my stocking.

‘The Coffee Mom’s Devotional’, Joyce Meyer’s ‘Trusting God Day by Day’ & Beth Moore’s ‘Praying God’s Word Day by Day’ are my new daily devotionals for this year and I’m so excited to get started! :)

~But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on His law he meditates day and night.~ Ps 1:2

Excited for another year to pass where my Bible is getting a little more ‘worn’ and my ‘New Year Celebrations’ now consist of feeling blessed with  moments of excitement about starting new devotionals. Blessed with another year that I can keep moving forward with this faith walk, this very personal connection. Blessed with moments in my life that I slowly, but surely, start realizing that God is taking care of us, not some of the time, all of the time. Another year to look forward to what God has in store for me, for my family and friends.  Although, knowing this year also marks another year of life, a year that helps push me closer and closer to my middle-age…

I’m thankful for the wisdom I’ve gained along the way…I wouldn’t trade it for any amount of ‘youth’.

~Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do.~  Josh 1:8

In flipping through books in my Bible, I see this scripture is a ‘pink’ highlight for the year, pink being my 2012 preferred highlight color. I’m so looking forward to blue this year, and next will be yellow. With this ‘plan’, intentionally I walk, making my steps move forward, the commitment, the excitement of the journey are so welcomed! What’s cool about this plan, in three years, I’ll be able to look back at colored highlights, the meaningful words…the instruction. Being able to see~in color~ my steps of faith, what I was meant to hear, to take in, to learn. What a blessing this will be to me in just a few short years!!! :)

While I’m here and now, I made sure to intentionally take the time to read back through my thoughts, my mind set regarding 2012. What scriptures spoke to me, my flower doodles, positive quotes, even words and thoughts that came directly from my deepest parts of me…the hopeless part of me that could, at the time, only see the storm. I look back now and am so thankful for so many things for without the rain…there would be no rainbow.

My list (in no particular order) consists of happy things that include prayers, thoughts for the upcoming year and  my sincerest hopes. Looking back, I can check off just about each and everyone! The cookbook? Well, there’s always another year, another time. If it’s meant to be, it will be. It’s just not yet and I’m ok with that. Who needs another cookbook, anyway, when you’ve got Pinterest?

This is sooooooo why I write, actually taking pen to paper…to remember now what stuck out to me then. Some of the exact thoughts that have molded me into who I am to this very day. Joyce Meyer quotes fill up so much of my last year, so many scribblings on the pages. Proverbs, Private Prayers, God winks, and Unspoken Signs.

Hopeful. Moments.

God is good.

Helpless. Moments.

God is still, will always be, good.

To be reminded of  both sides of happiness feels important to me, maybe some sort of validation? The proof (for lack of better wording) of my being humbled before the Lord. It’s so obvious that even though 2012 was one of the most heartbreaking years of our lives, the prayers answered were proof that we were taken care of, we were carried though our storms that were causing such blurry vision this time a year ago. I must be totally honest in saying, had I not had the blurry vision, I would not be anywhere near where I am in this intentional walk of faith.

~So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever~   2 Cor 4:18

So, what will be of 2013??!!

God knows. If I have faith and believe…He will reveal it to me, in His time!

I do know that He will continue to guide me to be who He created me to be, for that, I’m eternally thankful, to the very bottom of my entire being. Wisdom is a God-given realization. My wisdom acquired from one of the hardest years in my life is so important…way more so than a house, land…mere things.

Another pink highlight,

~To acquire wisdom is to love oneself; people who cherish understanding will prosper~  Prov 19:8

My highlights are so awesome to look back through, kind of mentally stack up what I’ve learned, what I’ve had put front of me…my direct communication from God!

The direct communication, the nudges, the ‘Unspoken Signs’, the winks are more than enough to keep me moving. One of my main prayers for this year is, even though I’m moving, I pray to become totally and completely unstuck. I know what God has made clear regarding the  path towards my ‘Greater’. I just now pray for the strength, an over abundance of faith when it comes that (specifically). A God-given direction, which I know will come to me as long as I will pay attention to it when it comes. I pray to recognize those moments, those nudges and to act on them…not just write about them and keep them to myself…share my testimony!!!!!

One of my biggest ‘highlights’ of this year is really realizing that one day, I will stand in judgement of all I’ve done and maybe more importantly, what I haven’t done. Things, stories and testimonies that I haven’t yet shared but, must be shared with whomever will listen…one day.

~So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please Him. For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body~  2 Cor 5: 9,10

I look so forward to moments…my moments, to the moments, the ‘highlights’ of this next year. Prayerfully, intentionally walking forward with myself…my whole, entire self. For non other than for God. For when I face Him, I do want to hear Him say…

‘Well done, my good and faithful servant’

How completely, totally awesome that would be!!!

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013! We had a rough year, we lost everything while finding a lot as well. I keep it in perspective, always. We lost our house, not our children…this year will forever memorialize the tragedy at Sandy Hook…when you look at what they’re having to endure, the feelings they have to work through…losing our house, our land is completely trivial and doesn’t even matter.

I want to ‘highlight’ what matters in 2013, I want to work towards my ‘Greater’, for God, for myself, for His Kingdom, this I pray…for myself, my family, friends and fellow readers. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

God Bless